National Domestic Violence Awareness Month
National Domestic Violence Awareness Month
For over 30 years, October has been recognized as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. October is the highlighted month to emphasize and bring awareness to the realness of domestic violence, acknowledge survivors’ experiences, and embrace survivors having a voice.
In Cattaraugus County, one company in particular aims for and aspires to be a consistent anchor for survivors of past or present DV experiences. This company’s name is Cattaraugus County Connecting Communities in Action: Building Resilient Communities, otherwise known as CCA. Within CCA, there is a branch strictly dedicated to assist, advocate, and support survivors. The mission statements of this branch within CCA are: 1) provide advocacy to victims of crimes, 2) create an aura of safety, 3) change public attitudes regarding survivors’ culpability, 4) assist in skill building and self-esteem enhancements to ensure recovery. The specific programs include: a domestic violence residential program, several domestic violence non-residential programs, a children’s program, a rape crisis program, an ovs compensation claims assistance program, a crime victim program, a violence prevention initiative, an ovw program, a cps/dv collaborative network, prevention education programs, etc. Please browse ccaction.org for a full description of what resources are available.
Now, let us backtrack a bit to get an integrative picture of domestic violence. Two knowledgeable resources - Anna Swanson and Kathlyn Ramey - illuminate the complexities of domestic violence for us.
To start with this question: What is Domestic Violence? Kathlyn and Anna state: Domestic Violence is one person’s choice to portray power and control over another individual, whether that be emotionally, financially, sexually, physically, verbally, etc. Intimate partner violence is also a term that coincides with DV. Often times, the public views DV as a partner getting harmed physically. However, it is important to see the big picture of DV abuse. An example being, stalking behavior is classified as domestic violence, regardless of the fact that a partner is not getting physically hurt. There are several complexities to the patterns of control demonstrative of domestic violence. A google search of the power and control wheel will illustrate the multi-tiered patterns of abuse.
Let us lift up the hood with this question: How does the Power and Control Dynamic work in DV relationships? Anna and Kathlyn dive in with: For the power and control pattern to begin, an individual intentionally will use control to dominate someone else. This control includes a series of tactics that are successful to threaten, coerce, intimidate, and perhaps even threaten violence ultimately … to instill FEAR. The offender chooses power and control tactics to maintain the relationship. The tricky part is that the violence or abuse does not start right off the bat. The offender will consciously initiate a relationship with gift giving, behaving very sweetly/kindly, as well as portray innocence. Over time, small abusive tendencies will occur and the survivor will often brush these off. As time chugs along, a survivor finds themselves in the trap of DV.
Power and Control is so successful because it instills trust first then fear. In a relationship, survivors stay with their partner out of perceived trust or fear, which are two very opposite things. For example, let’s say an individual was raised in a home where DV was ongoing, this is familiar and that person just knows what will happen if they don’t “follow the rules or don’t listen.”
We all have heard that this “could never happen to me,” however, the power and control tactics are so successful and work so effectively because they feel like love. At the beginning of a relationship, learning about another person/getting to know them takes place. Then oftentimes survivors do not want to lose the momentum of the relationship, leading to sweeping red flags under the rug. Possessiveness and intensity can often resemble love. Some examples being: we can’t get enough of each other, we spend every moment together, friends and family members then start to not see their loved one anymore. At the beginning of the relationship, the woo-ing, charm, gift giving, kindness is just over the top. The honeymoon or lack of harm period is so successful because survivors are continuously looking and searching for that person they fell in love with. Which oftentimes is a mask or first step in the power and control process.
What can a survivor do? Kathlyn and Anna emphasize the importance of learning about and knowing about the resources available, which isn’t something one needs to figure out alone. Survivors are the experts in their own lives and have navigated the cycles of DV. Trust your gut and navigate the cycle. If something is not right - lean into that and trust your instinct. Catch and reflect upon these thought processes: something doesn’t feel right, I can change him/her, or my love can make a difference, etc. People might be giving you this or that advice, but the reality is you can navigate your own life, you can trust your intuition, and you can learn to set boundaries with people/resources/providers, you can find safety, you can create a plan to leave if that is best. And certainly you are not alone. There are survivors, resources, advocates, and organizations that can help in any way that is fitting.
I leave you with the poem:
“The Voice” by Shel Silverstein
There is a voice inside you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you----just listen to
That voice that speaks inside.
Laura Widger is a NY State Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 15 years of experience in the field of emotional wellness and mental health. She currently works for CCA-Connecting Communities in Action and specializes in trauma healing with children and adults. She lives in Cattaraugus County with her husband, children, and German short haired dog. Laura personally and professionally strives to promote internal self leadership and the discovery of true genuineness and balance within.