How Exactly Do You Ask Someone If They Are OK?
How Exactly Do You Ask Someone If They Are OK?
Seeing as the year 2020 is in our rear view window and the stigma around mental health has shifted gears some, how do we exactly ask our loved ones if they are ok emotionally? Say we notice some mood shifts, some behavioral changes, or perhaps some more serious concerns … what is the ideal way to bring this up? As we embark together on this imperative conversation, let us hear from an expert, Breanne Abbott, LMSW. Breanne is an experienced trauma mental health therapist at Connecting Communities in Action and has recently embarked on a macro-level journey to get trained in “Mental Health 1st Aide.” Mental Health 1st Aide is a nationally recognized program that teaches community members how to respond, have conversations, and address early signs of a mental illness.
When posed the question: How do you ask if someone is really ok?, Breanne jumped in with, “Approach them with compassion and kindness to find out where they are at. First you want to open the conversation up in a light-hearted manner, just expressing what changes you have noticed with your loved one. Then, you want to give the person an opportunity to share, and it is of the most importance to listen non-judgmentally. Find a comfortable location or a place where you both feel at ease and then just bring up exactly what you have noticed in a respectful and matter-of-fact or factual way. You can bring up what exact behavioral changes or general concerns you have seen.”
An example of this: “Hey, I have noticed you are not texting me back as often as you usually do, or your work clothes or outfits have changed.” Breanne adds, “You have to be prepared for what they are going to say as best you can. It isn’t for you to change or negate their feelings, nor is it your role to judge how they initially respond to you. Listen and avoid using dismissive language or voicing anything that might minimize their feelings. Remember, people you care about are entitled to how they feel even if they didn’t intend to feel a certain way. There is no common sense scale to what is upsetting someone. Remember that everyone’s experience is different, including how their bodies and minds will react. This varies from person to person and there is no comparison or competition to who has it worse. A few words or phrases of affirmation you can use are: ‘Wow that sounds so frustrating’ and ‘Yes that sounds really tough’.”
Let us back track for a moment, and hear Breanne’s spin on the question: What are some indications that someone is not ok? Breanne states, “Changes in behaviors can be indicators that someone is struggling emotionally. Some of these behavioral changes may be: performance changes at home/school/work, changes in physical appearance, a decline in attendance at school/events/work/co-curricular activities/family functions, etc. Also, a change in language can indicate perhaps some symptoms of depression or anxiety. For example, if your loved one is typically positive and upbeat either in person or in their social media posts, and that shifts some, that could be an indicator. Also, if your loved one is typically wordy in person or via text messages and is now communicating with a “Fine” or “Ok” or “Nothing”, that could be a subtle sign. Lastly, if someone you regularly communicate with is not responding back to you, this could also indicate an emotional shift.
As we move forward to solutions, Breanne adds some profound strategies to support, maintain, and grow into emotional wellness. When these conversations are taking place and support systems are then discussed, Breanne adds, “The first place to help your loved one explore their supports is avenues already present in their lives (people that can support them). Following support systems, you can bring up activities or opportunities, on a scale appropriate to where they are at, that can help (things they might enjoy to do). Also, pets can be amazing supports and spending time with your pet increases your serotonin and endorphin levels when you pet, hug, or squeeze them gently. With the weather breaking, just getting outside in the sunshine can help with vitamin D levels.
Next, you can also explore barriers. One example: If you know your loved one enjoys painting but has run out of supplies, you can talk about what it would look like to get more supplies or any ideas on the next creation once art supplies are replenished … tapping into motivation and excitement can help them. You can also offer practical help with tasks that seem overwhelming for your loved one such as: would it be helpful to make a plan to tackle the spring cleaning housework together?”
Breanne concludes with a warm heart in saying, “Recovery or wellness is often enriched with the help of a mental health professional and a great way to get connected to one is to start with your general doctor.”
In closing, Breanne wanted to add that the single statement of “I will support you on your life journey,” can make the entire difference in someone’s life, as they begin to see and feel they are not alone.
If you would like more tips, suggestions, and hints, check out Connecting Communities in Action’s Facebook page for upcoming 2021 trainings/resources from Breanne Abbott and Mental Health 1st Aide.
Laura Widger is a NY State Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 15 years of experience in the field of emotional wellness and mental health. She currently works for CCA-Connecting Communities in Action and specializes in trauma healing with children and adults. She lives in Cattaraugus County with her husband, children, and German short haired dog. Laura personally and professionally strives to promote internal self leadership and the discovery of true genuineness and balance within.